It would have been better if I didn’t have time to dream about it. It would have been better if my husband and I didn’t get a thrill out of having our own little secret. If we didn’t plan the "grand" announcement, the baby shower, the name. It would have been better if the doctor said we could still have children, naturally. If I didn’t have dreams and confirmations. After 2 ectopic pregnancies, 2 surgeries, 2 recoveries:
I found myself feeling disappointed, doubting and angry at God. The temptation to believe that God wasn’t that interested in me began to creep in. I was tempted to believe that God is faithful, just not always to me. I was tempted to believe that most things are possible with God, just not all things. Then I was reminded of:
1 Corinthians 10:13 (NKJV)
No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.
My way of escape from those thoughts, new philosophies… LIES was and is JESUS! Running to Him with a broken, honest and receiving heart, was the only way out of the path of a bitter heart. He is the only One who heals the brokenhearted. He is the One that restores, confirms, strengthens and establishes. Truly, Romans 8:37 (Voice) bears true that “no matter what comes, we will always taste victory through Him who loved us.” Not just future victory, but current victory too. God’s blessing was (and still is) evident. I had to be intentional to look for it; but it was there. I had my amazing husband, my precocious daughter, my life (I could have bled to death). I made myself thankful for the people who showed love to me and my family. From those who continually prayed for us; brought us food; came by just to keep us company; to people who braided my daughter’s hair when I couldn’t. How could I allow bitterness, when God was and is so faithful to show His mercy and compassion?
I had to make some hard decisions. I remember laying in bed, waiting for the pain meds to kick in, thinking about still being a “good Christian”; but in reality I needed to do things “my way” to have “the good life”. I needed to make some serious changes in my life that “made sense”. Then I felt the Lord challenge me to make a decision to live for Him or not; lovingly encouraging the latter. Through tears and frankly not knowing how, I made the decision to move forward with God, His way. It was then that I literally felt the strength of the Lord, His grace, to get me through the day. The next morning His grace met me when I woke up and I began to feel encouraged. Then the day after, more of His grace, more strength, more hope. Something happens when you decide, despite your hurt, pain & emotions, to move forward with God; His way. It’s called His grace.
I needed His grace because I knew this wasn’t just about me and my family. It wasn't just about this miscarriage. Satan wanted fear and doubt to cripple me and my family. He wanted us to be the carriers of this infection to our friends, our family, our church. The enemy would have loved for me to believe that every promise God had put into my heart about family, protection, ministry …EVERYTHIING, was a “shot in the dark”. I’m disqualified. I’m done. It’s not going to happen. I heard him scream “Give up!” “Move on!” “You’re weak and tired … its over!” But that was not the truth. The truth was (and is) :
Isaiah 40:28-31 (NKJV)
… The everlasting God, the Lord,The Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.
It doesn’t end here. That is why I’m sharing my story with you. Our story may not look the same, but the emotions, challenges and the faith that the enemy wants to destroy in us are.
The reality is …
Sometimes God won’t tell you the “why”, but will you still trust Him? Trust in His goodness. Trust that His will will materialize. Will you trust that He will use this whirlwind to make you stronger, if you let Him. Trust Him to work in you perseverance, character and hope. A perfect patience in you, so that your faith is unshakable in every circumstance.
Let’s hold on to the truth …
That with God NOTHING is impossible! God is not a man that He will lie! If He said it, He will do it! If we persevere like Job, we will see His intended end – that He is compassionate and merciful. If we continue to believe His will for our lives as Joseph did, that which the enemy meant for evil God will use for good to save many around you. It ain't over! It will happen! God’s promises are yes and amen! God is faithful!
Praying for you,
PS: My husband just published his 4th book which prophetically blessed us during this time. It is entitled Scraped Knees, How to get up once you've fallen. It's a short and powerful ebook through which God takes you by the hand and says "Talitha Cumi".
Also, if you live in the New York Tri State area, I invite you to enjoy service with us at Life Church! Service is on Sundays at 3pm at 1387 East 96th Street, Brooklyn NY. I can't wait to meet you!